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I am in a transition phase in my life and it has been… interesting? A couple months ago, I moved out of my apartment with my roommate Bobby into my own space close by and I wish we could have just stayed there forever. Bobby and I lived in a two bedroom apartment in Kaimuki for 4 years and for the first time in a really long time I felt at home. Before moving in together, I was bouncing around the island a lot. I lived in Laie on the North Shore, alone in Kaimuki in a cute studio apartment, Wahiawa for a short time by the lake, and then again in Kaimuki in a house with a group of college girls. It was hard to stabilize in a place where so many people are coming and going and leases are short. Now, I live alone again. I love it #bymyselfmaxing. But I do miss my old room, the neighborhood, and maybe sometimes Bobby. I made my room a home and it’s been weird to just have to leave a space where I felt so safe. I think Bobby and I were both similar in a way that we love to be by ourselves so we would honestly spend so much time in our rooms and it was never an awkward moment. Like it was our normal to just ignore each other. You know how sometimes you are around people where it just feels more like a task and that you have to cater to them? It was never like that between us and it was always so just like chill. I really appreciated that. Coming from a chaotic household, moving all the time, and then finally finding peace. My anxiety was very grateful.
I think I try to belittle my own feelings of sadness on my move. I tell myself “you’re being dramatic”, “it’s just an apartment”, “you couldn’t stay there forever”, “it doesn’t matter”. And I realize that I am just invalidating my own feelings and never really able to move forward if I don’t let myself feel. Like girl, I was there for so many years and it is okay to miss it. It makes sense to miss it!
My new lease is up in November. So now I have the choice to move to Las Vegas with my sister or extend my stay here. I’m leaning more towards moving to Vegas. I have lived in Hawai’i for 6 years now and I don’t know why I can’t just find a good routine, a good group of friends, or a healthy job I love. I can have a fresh start in LV. I can be with my dog again, travel more, go to school without stressing about finances, and actually afford to live. My dilemma is; I hate Vegas. It is everything I am not. Ugly. It is in the middle of nowhere with extremely hot summers and insanely cold winters. I literally moved to Hawai’i so I would never be cold. The coldest I have been here was when it was 60° during a storm LAST YEAR. Moving here made my seasonal depression disappear and I’m afraid it will come back as soon as I go to the mainland. I feel like I have outgrown O’ahu. I have seen it and done it all. I don’t want to just keep living to pay for my expenses and that’s it. I want to travel more and it’s hard to leave when a flight is $500 minimum. I have only left the island once this year… I’ve been here since I was 19, I turn 25 next week and I don’t want to be here doing the same thing at 26. I have lost Bobby, a home, friends. I don’t want to stay knowing more friends are leaving soon and I stay in the same cycle. Work, moped to gym, home, barely afford groceries, go out, see the same people, go home, and then depressed I’m home bc it’s not really home. I don’t know. So many people tell me to stay here, but nothing changes if nothing changes and I am truly ready for another big change.
What if it’s a huge mistake? What if I want to come back? What if I just become absolutely miserable? What if I don’t mind it? What if it’s really good to me? What if I am able to pay off all my debts? What if I save so much money and move out of the country like I’ve always wanted to? What would change if I stay here? Why is it so hard for me to leave my Hawai’i?
My media
Touch by Daft Punk and Paul Williams
MOJABI GHOST by Bad Bunny
The Tangent Podcast by Tanner Devore
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